Focus Forward Coaching, LLC

Sometimes the Why Just Doesn’t Matter

admin — Sun, 09 Sep 2012 03:30:07 +0000

I can’t tell you how many times I’ve worked with clients who are struggling through challenges with a person who is making poor choices. Generally the conversation morphs into a guessing game style diagnosis of why:

Why someone isn’t showing up for work on time?
Why the person is so angry?
Why someone has a commitment phobia?

And often my response is, “Stop!”

Stop using your energy and creative reasoning to make guesses about the root cause of another’s choices.

Sometimes the why just doesn’t matter.

Too often we get into diagnosing why and feel like we’ll tolerate the bad behavior until it is better. We focus on trying to fix a situation that is completely out of our control and suffer the consequences of poor choices while we try to figure it all out.

If the person who cannot manage their anger is taking it out on you it is not your job to figure out why they are having outbursts. The more important place to put your energy is in mustering the strength to set healthy boundaries and stop tolerating the behavior.

If an employee is habitually late it is not your job as their boss to figure out why and remove the barriers. You are also not required to accommodate the tardiness. Set clear expectation with consequences you will follow through with and see if they can make the adjustments to do what is right. Putting a job at risk changes the stakes and often results in a change in behavior.

Certainly I recommend that you analyze the situation to determine whether there is any other action that you can take to make it better.

Are you contributing to the negative situation in any way? Is any part of it in your control? Have you communicated your feelings, made a request for change?

Don’t leave your colleague in the world of assumption. State the facts. Let them know where they stand. Give them the opportunity to make the right choice. Beyond that, your job is done.

Put your energy into focusing on what is so rather than why it is there then get into action with what is in your control to make the situation better today.

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Are you Blending or Bleeding?

admin — Thu, 16 Aug 2012 20:13:04 +0000

One of my clients was recently struggling to gain control of his schedule. He was constantly handling home tasks during work and work stuff during his nights and weekends. He was trying to make it all fit into the appropriate segment of time but couldn’t make it happen and was feeling frustrated.

It suddenly hit me; some of us are not wired to work within the confines of pre-categorized windows of time. We aren’t meant to do a 9 to 5 job Monday through Friday. We, instead, seek to utilize a 24/7 schedule for all of life’s categories in an effort to use our available time most effectively.

I told him he was “blending” his activities across all available hours. If he could maneuver the time well that way and his employer was fine with it, it was okay.

The revelation was so freeing for him! He had the kind of job that allows for working any time anywhere and was wired to do more of a blend between work and life. He stopped fighting how he was wired and embraced it. It has worked great since!

If you are wired for blending and have the opportunity to schedule this way it can be a wonderful way to go. With each chunk of unscheduled time you can determine what should be done next from your entire list of tasks rather than choosing from one specific category.

If you are a morning person and have a creative flash of energy, get that article for work written whether it’s a Tuesday or a Saturday. If it’s Thursday at 2:00 PM and Costco is right there and your chunk of time will permit you to pop in to pick up a few things and then unload at home, go for it!

I tend to use the following criteria to determine the best use of my unscheduled time:

Which tasks have the highest priority?
What size is my window of time?
How much travel time is required for a task?
How much energy do I have right now?
What resources do I have available to me?
Am I in a quiet place or a noisy one?

The answers to these questions can then dictate my next move. Beautiful!

If you follow the blend strategy be very intentional with your prioritizations. You must practice good self-discipline as you navigate available time. Otherwise you could end up wasting time. You also run the risk of allowing one area of your life to overtake another. I refer to this phenomenon as a bleed. If, for instance, the work area of your life is overtaking what is generally allotted for family time, resulting in friction, this would be a bleed. Work is bleeding into family time creating chaos. Each area of your life needs time allotted for good balance and health.

The goal instead is to blend. Blend the pieces of your life into one harmonious, time-efficient flow so that the minutes of each day find you moving towards your goals in all areas of your life.

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You are the Worst!

admin — Wed, 08 Aug 2012 19:42:22 +0000

Did this title make you feel angry or defensive? How dare I? I wonder, though, how often are you telling yourself this very thing?

Maybe not in those exact words but do any of these sound familiar?

You can’t get anything right!
You are so stupid!
You are ugly!
Your butt is way too big!
You are so lazy!
Just give up! You won’t be successful anyway!
Everyone else is way better at this than you!
You don’t have any original ideas!
You are a failure!

Words are powerful! When we say the same words over and over we start to believe them. They become our reality. Are these phrases really the reality you want? You must pay attention to the words that you tell yourself!

If a colleague or friend was speaking to you like this how much time would you spend with them? What would you say to them? Why are you doing it to yourself?

Just Stop!

Your action steps for today:

Take out a sheet of paper and divide it in two or open a new Word document and add a table with two columns.
Pay attention to the negative words you say to yourself and collect them on the left column of your paper or table.
Create a new positive phrase to replace each negative self-talk. Document them in the right column.
Keep your list with you and take control of your thoughts. Every time a negative thought creeps in replace it with the positive one.

Practice this for a few days or a week then take it up a notch.

Speak your positive phrases out loud whenever possible. In the car, in the bathroom when you first get up, before you go to bed.
Post the phrases where you will see them often. In your car, on your dresser, next to your bed, on your bathroom mirror, on your computer screen.

Keep at it! You will reap the rewards of a more positive attitude and way more self-confidence!
Enjoy!

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Adjust Your Mindset for Great Correction

admin — Fri, 09 Dec 2011 02:51:49 +0000

So many of my clients resist having correction conversations with their team members. And, yes, that’s what I like to call them. Whether you engage in the communication with the aid of a discipline form, a performance improvement plan or have them without documenting anything at all, ultimately, your goal is to correct someone’s behavior, attitude, work output or work quality.

So, if all you’re trying to accomplish is some correction, why do you avoid these conversations at all cost? The excuses I’ve heard run the gamut. Are any of these familiar?

I feel bad. Everyone is so busy.
They should just know what to do.
They might quit.
They get really defensive when I try to talk to them about anything.
It’s just easier to do it myself.
I don’t like to be mean.

Meanwhile, having these conversations is vital to the success of the organization and also, I’ve found, to the mental well being of the leader. Do you really want to spend your work hours feeling resentful, burned out and overwhelmed?

Humans haven’t mastered the art of mind reading yet so if you want someone to conduct him or herself differently you are going to have to let them know, verbally and succinctly. And, sometimes, you may need to utilize negative consequences to really drive the point home.

I have found that creating the right mindset will set the tone for a great meeting. Instead of focusing on anything from the list above, use the simple list below. You don’t have to say these things out loud. Just be thinking them and let the new mindset guide how you engage in the conversation. It will change the way you approach the conversation in a miraculous way.

I Want You to Be Successful
I Will Define What Success Is
I Will Communicate that Definition to You
You Will Have a Choice
I Hope You Choose Well

Like everything else in life, the more you do them, the easier they become. And, in the case of correction conversations, hopefully, the more you do them the less you’ll need to do!

Also see the related article “Tackle the 4 D’s of Discipline Avoidance” http://focusforwardcoaching.com/tackle-the-4-ds-of-discipline-avoidance/

Fill out our contact form to 1get additional information!

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How Do I Stop the Drama without Engaging in it Myself??

admin — Tue, 01 Feb 2011 17:01:58 +0000

I recently conducted a webinar for a large group and had this question come up. It’s one I hear quite often, actually. I can answer it simply but realize that execution can be a bit more difficult. The results are well worth it though, so give it a try.

I prescribe to the concept of taking preventative measures to avoid drama between co-workers. And when I say drama, I mean non-productive disagreement. There are times when co-workers will not agree over a best process or over the one year goal of a department. That kind of disagreement, handled professionally, is healthy for the organization. Disagreeing because one is having an affair with the other’s boyfriend, however, is not.

As a leader, you set the tone for your team. You can tell them up front what will be tolerated and what will not. Tell them that they don’t have to like each other but they do need to respect each other and that work time must be productive.

If it is a work related disagreement, encourage them to speak directly to the person they have an issue with and teach them assertive communication techniques. Communication must always be respectful and appropriate. When you first implement this new environment you can start by acting as a facilitator of appropriate conversations to model quality communication.

The other conversations that do not pertain to work must happen outside of work and any resulting conflict must not impact productivity. Period.

If they are not able to adhere to the above, walk them through your discipline process and out the door. Bickering with a co-worker may not be as tempting if the stakes become that high.

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No More Anger Management!!

admin — Thu, 30 Dec 2010 14:51:13 +0000

So often I encounter teams of leaders who feel they need no assistance with conflict resolution when it is so apparent that they do. “We are not angry. We do not fight. Everything is fine!”

The fact that they are not yelling at each other is not the litmus test that determines whether or not they are angry. More often it means that they are avoiding conflict, stuffing their feelings, and, as an alternative, building a wall of resentments between those with whom they live and work.

The anger management movement was certainly a step in the right direction. It moved us away from being overtly disrespectful to each other. But too many have gotten the wrong message. The goal of respectful, assertive communication somehow got lost along the way.

And, in its wake are a generation of people who feel that everything is great if they do not express anger or frustration, who choose, instead, to suffer in silence, hold tension in their bodies or eat away the pain.

And every conversation that ends with unspoken thoughts, unresolved issues or communication that didn’t actually happen adds another brick in a wall that sits between people and robs the world of a team’s best efforts.

Willful control should not be the gold standard. I say we move the bar beyond putting on a brave face, wearing a mask and smiling through the hurt. Let’s aim higher and shoot, instead, for anger elimination!

There are a few simple techniques that can change your perspective or get you into action BEFORE there is a buildup of anger or resentment. Get it all out and resolved respectfully so there is nothing to “manage.”

If you are like a lot of my clients, implementing just these 3 important techniques will help you eliminate a lot of your anger:

Reality-Check Your Assumptions: A quote my clients hear from me often is, “get out of the world of assumption!” When our feelings are based on what is imagined rather than on fact we can really get the creative juices flowing. And often the stories we create will drum up a lot of anger and frustration. Be aware of when you are in the realm of a created reality away from the world of fact. Rather than assume, go have a clarifying conversation. Ask questions, find out why. Things often look very different once you have the real information and the other person’s perspective.

Pay Attention to Intent: I always recommend that my clients pay attention to people’s intentions. When we are unhappy with an outcome I will hazard to guess that, in most cases, it is not the result of malicious intent. Your dissatisfaction is just an unfortunate byproduct of another’s good intentions that were focused elsewhere. Even though it’s nice to believe, the world just doesn’t revolve around you at all times. And, if you assign mal-intent when none exists you are ramping up the anger without good reason. Tell yourself a different story.

So, for instance, that project that was put on hold that you’d been working so hard on isn’t really an indication that your boss was trying to sideline your career. Perhaps the budget cuts in the department were the true cause. If you can look objectively at her intentions it will help you feel less angry. Story out, facts in.

Speak Up as Issues Pop Up: If you are feeling uncomfortable about something, don’t like a decision, have an opinion, SPEAK UP! If you don’t give yourself a voice the little things will build and build. Soon you’ll have a volcano of emotion that will come out one way or another. At that point it’s even harder to speak up as you work to manage the build up! If, instead, you address the little things as they come there will be less to be frustrated about. Practice using your voice.

Over the years I have lived by a rule that has helped me tremendously. I will not be angry with someone I have not shared my feelings with. So, if I have not spoken up and given someone the opportunity to factor in my opinions or perspective I do not have the right to be angry. I take responsibility for my silence. This helps me get into action or drop a hurt that isn’t worth my time or energy. Keep in mind, drop does not mean stuff!

Applying these three important techniques will eliminate a lot of your anger. If you need additional assistance contact me! I am on a mission to help people live the lives they were designed to live and anger elimination is one key ingredient to getting there!

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Is There Lettuce in My Teeth?

admin — Thu, 07 Oct 2010 11:04:10 +0000

Recently, while home alone, I passed a mirror and realized that I had something in my teeth. Thankfully I caught it before I walked out the door! But, because I seem wired for turning every life experience into a teaching moment, it got me thinking; how many of the people in my life would be real with me if they saw a flaw that I did not?

It’s an important question because the reality is, in life; lettuce in our teeth is one of the milder issues. So many things can escape our notice. That outside, objective perspective so often provides a much clearer view. But will the people in our lives share what they see?

It begs the question; what kinds of people am I doing life with? I thought of several categories. Which best describe your friends, family members, colleagues and acquaintances?

1. No laugh – No tell – No Gossip: This person sees the issue but diverts their eyes. They bury the secret deep. They never speak of it. Not to you or anyone else. So, on the one hand, they are not engaging in recreational communication at your expense. That is good. However, you are not receiving the benefit of their perspective.

2. Tell – Gossip: At least this kind of friend does tell you. But then they proceed to spread the good word far and wide. Talking to individuals not involved for recreation.

3. Laugh – No Tell – Gossip – Laugh More: This is the worst. They say nothing to you but tell everyone else they know to get a good laugh about it later at your expense. I have to admit, with some embarrassment, to an incident where I absolutely did this. I will give myself grace, however. It was high school and it involved our math teacher. His pants were split up the entire back and he had no idea. He kept walking around the room bending over to help various students with their assignment. I would not react the same now, but back then life couldn’t get any better.

4. Tell – Support – Done: These friends will point it out and then give you the response you need to work through it, whether it’s a good laugh at the object stuck in your teeth or compassion for the mess you’ve made in your life. And then it’s done. They will not speak of it to others. There is no need for gossip.

I think that any of us would prefer the friend who will point it out with compassion and let us work through it. Sometimes the lettuce is an attitude or a behavior. Maybe it’s a choice we’ve made. No one is perfect so we all experience moments where we need that clear outside perspective.

So, what kind of company are you keeping? Are there some relationships that need work or need to go?

And, perhaps more importantly, which kind of friend are you? To what lengths are you willing to go to be the got your back person to the people in your life? Sometimes it is scary to share what we see. So, what kind of friend will you be?

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Tackle the 4 D’s of Discipline Avoidance

admin — Wed, 29 Sep 2010 01:58:14 +0000

Creating the dynamic team of your dreams requires great communication both of expectations and of issues. Most employees will respond well to correction. They will appreciate the feedback, take it to heart and make the required changes.

Some employees, however, have no desire to change and will do whatever it takes to remain stuck where they are. I will term these employees “problem employees.” These are the team members who probably do not belong and will ultimately be walked through your discipline process and out the door, if you choose to follow through.

Problem employees will often use tactics to avoid owning their bad behavior. They are stuck in a rut and have no desire to change. Too often leaders become paralyzed by the resulting fear of experiencing these tactics. They adopt a keep quiet approach to the detriment of the team as everyone is robbed of the opportunity for constructive feedback.

That, obviously, is not the best strategy. Instead, let’s arm you with some tools to bust the 4 D’s of discipline avoidance so that you can move forward with the communication that must happen for your team to excel.

#1. Deflection: an employee utilizing this tactic will bring up everything under the sun to highjack the meeting. Their goal is to change the topic and move the conversation away from them. You’ll hear about all the wrong doings of your management team, fellow employees and systems. You may hear about issues going on in their lives. Do not fall prey.

Following them down the rabbit trails will just leave both of you confused. You will run out of time before you get to the topic you intended. They will leave feeling like, “phew, bought myself more time.” And the same behavior will continue.

Stick to your agenda no matter what. They may get more and more creative as the meeting progresses. Stick to your guns. Your number one goal is to maintain control of the meeting and stick to the topic. If they do happen upon an issue that deserves further investigation jot it down as an action item to tackle after the meeting and move on.

Use phrases like these:

“We are not here to discuss that right now. We are here to talk about you.”
“That is not your concern. I need you to focus on your own issues and the changes you must make to be successful.”
“I understand that that must be difficult for you. I encourage you to speak to a professional about that. In the mean time, let’s focus on your work here.”

#2. Denial: Some employees will vehemently deny responsibility when the hard evidence is sitting right in front of them. It does not matter. You may not ever convince them or get them to own up. And, unfortunately, that is the first step required for them to make real change. Most who adopt this avoidance technique will not be successful. Use phrases like these:

“I am concerned that you are not able to take responsibility. If you are unwilling to acknowledge you were in error I feel that you will not make the changes required to be successful.”
“I am not here to debate what happened. I am here to talk about next steps with you based on what did happen.”
“You will have an opportunity to speak briefly and add your comments to the form at the end. For now I need you to listen to me.”

#3. Defensiveness: employees will vary in the degree to which they will defend themselves and at times can become quite angry. The fear of this response is one that stops many of my clients. However, you can not relinquish control by letting fear stop you. In this instance you must maintain control of the meeting. Do not allow them to escalate. Use phrases like:

“I need you to use a softer tone.”
“Please watch your language.”
“You must decrease the volume of your voice.”
“I need you to calm down and listen.”
“This is not appropriate behavior.”

Speak at a normal pace and use soft tones. Try not to match their volume. This can help bring them back down. Continue to be encouraging. Let them know that you are hoping that they will make the right choice and will be successful.

“I want you to be successful. I am hoping that you hear me today and make the right choices going forward.”
“I need you to stop and listen because I really want you to get this one now.”
“Your success begins with you listening to me and actually hearing what I am saying to you.”

#4. De-Friending: Yes, sometimes the people who report to you won’t like you. They must treat you with respect. They must do their jobs but they don’t have to like or agree with everything you do and that has to be okay with you. Period. Please don’t let the fear of their disapproval cause you to give away power to your team.

If an employee begins hurling threats that remind you of high school combat them with phrases like these:

“I am sorry to hear that. I will continue to respect you and really do hope that you do what is necessary to be successful.”
“This is not personal. It is about the job. I really hope that you hear what I say today and make the right choices.”

I hope that these tools help you get into action with your problem employees. You owe it to the rest of your team, yourself and your business to hold everyone on your team accountable to standards of excellence.

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Practicing Patience in an Instant Gratification World

admin — Tue, 14 Sep 2010 18:59:42 +0000

I will never forget the day one of my clients exclaimed with utter frustration, “But I’ve already been patient!!” We both looked at each other for the split second that it took for the irony of the comment to kick in and then burst into laughter.

How often is this our reaction to waiting, though? Practicing the art of patience is difficult in an instant gratification world! We want what we want and we want it now. Gone are the days of quilting circles where the satisfaction of a finished product was months away.

In today’s world our expectations of time are calibrated by fast food restaurants, high speed internet and 24/7 news brought to us real-time via television or social media. Our attention spans seem to shorten by the month.

Brian Regan, a great comedian, jokes about the two sets of instructions on a Pop Tart box. If you can’t squeeze in the 3 minutes it takes to toast the pastry you can opt for the time-saving 3 second microwave option. As he puts it, “If you have to zap-fry your Pop Tart you need to loosen up your schedule!”

How often is our worry, frustration or disappointment the result of unrealistic expectations around time? “What’s taking them so long?” “Why haven’t they finished yet?” “I need to know now!”

I must admit that I fall prey to this mindset myself. In pursuit of achieving and doing I try to fill every moment of every day with efficiency and multi-tasking. How much can I get done? How much can I move off my plate? But the reality is that it won’t all get done. Some things will have to wait and so will I.

According to dictionary.com the definition of patience is “the ability or willingness to suppress restlessness or annoyance when confronted with delay.”

So, as is often the case, it is up to us to choose how we react to the inevitable. We can require immediate outcomes only to experience disappointment and frustration or we can practice the art of patience where it is less about doing and more about being. Focus on the what is more than the what if and experience life as a journey rather than a series of endpoints. Ease the pace, take a breath and wait. Some of life’s sweetest moments happen here if you linger long enough.

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Your Culture is Your Team Machine

admin — Fri, 10 Sep 2010 19:02:01 +0000

I recently conducted a webinar for Monster.com that gives you insight into why you MUST pay attention to your company culture.
Follow this link to check it out: Your Culture is Your Team Machine

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